The prospect of a girl-girl-guy three-way gives me heartburn. I don’t know if you know this, but that’s four boobs. I’m more than happy to let the devil in, though. That’s only two dicks, and one of them is mine. I know what to do with a dick—but four boobs? Not to mention two vaginas. That’s an overwhelming amount of motion for one ocean.
Sex, for men (as well, I’m sure, for many women), can be a bit nerve-wracking—even with the best intentions we can make some pretty easy, yet consequential, fuckups. I’ve had many conversations with women where they’ve made complaints about men doing things wrong that are integral to the act of sex. For example: “He couldn’t find my clitoris! I mean—do I really need to draw him a map? Ha! Am I right?” Yet, I’ve never had a conversation with a man about sex where he said, “She couldn’t even find my penis! I mean—do I really need to draw her a map? Ha! Am I right? ... Right? ... Guys?”
This means that any guy who is fairly sure where the clitoris is, now needs to find two of them. And manage four boobs—that’s also four nipples. This would mean involving my left hand – my right hand’s idiot brother. I still can’t cut food with my left hand. I have to keep rotating the fork and knife through my right hand if I want to eat steak. Like a pleb. How the hell am I going to manage four nipples?
The type of man who is eager to have a girl-girl-guy threesome is going to need three things—control, dexterity, and a cup that runneth over with confidence. I have never met this man, though if I did, I might have my own plans...
When I was a teenager, I was intrigued with the idea of a threesome with two women—also, when I was a teenager, I thought I could eat both the fettuccini alfredo and the shrimp scampi at Olive Garden in one sitting. Now, I fill up on breadsticks—so maybe appetites just change. So, I asked a number of male friends my age if they’d be interested in an FFM threesome and every one of them said no, citing intimidation as the number one factor. One coworker of mine put it more insightfully than my four-boobs dilemma when he said, “I think people only do the threesome thing for the sake of saying they’ve done it—like, how can you worry about two people’s pleasure at the same time and be fair?” We agreed that IF everyone involved was sexually open, patient, and bi-sexual, it could be worth something beyond another finger to put down in games of never-have-I-ever.
To check myself— in other words, not only ask breadstick eating fuddy-duddies like myself (people who use words like “fuddy-duddy”)—I asked some of my cooler friends. Again, I got similar answers. Most men I spoke to – young, old, experienced, inexperienced, gay (obviously), straight – had less interest in girl-girl-guy threesomes than National Lampoon movies would have you believe. This was not always because of the four-boobs thing but often four boobs adjacent. Mostly, men were concerned with not being able to pleasure two women at once. How is that done? I’d never asked, nor heard this question asked when I was younger, though I can remember many conversations from my youth where guys bragged about FFM threesomes and other guys patted them on the backs and lamented jealously. Did all of the men I know suddenly lose their confidence, self-control, and dexterous, nimble fingers as they got older, or is it all make-believe?
When I think back to the days when I wanted to have sex with two girls, I was much less confident. Sure, I played a lot of video games, so I had stronger fingers, but my self-confidence was garbage. My self-control (oh, by the way, when I say ‘self-control’, I mean ‘penis-control’) was much worse. So, those aren’t the factors. If I was honest with myself at that time, I would have had to have admitted that the real reason I wanted a girl-girl-guy threesome was to be able to say I’d had a girl-girl-guy threesome. It didn’t matter if I performed well in it, or if the women I was with enjoyed themselves. It was social currency.
Once I matured and began to care more about my partner’s pleasure than my own, that’s when I lost interest in threesomes, as do many men, because, well, if you haven’t been paying attention, that’s four goddamn boobs.