Where are all the dick pic senders hiding? Benjamin Davis goes looking in this month’s ‘Locker Room Talk’…

Dick Pic-ers Anonymous

When I was growing up, the idea of sending a dick pic to a stranger was beyond comprehension. Not because of any ethical dilemma – no, no, it’s because if you wanted to send an anonymous dick pic, you’d have to use a camera, get it developed, and then pull some crime-caper bullshit where you slip it into someone’s purse on the street. That was a lot of work. It was much easier to put on a long coat, follow women around, and when they turned, you’d open it and say, “Willy Wonka’s Factory is open for business, baby!” (or whatever the fuck those guys say), then get some exercise by running away. 

As with most things, the internet took all of the creativity, exercise and unique flair out of showing your genitals to unsuspecting women.

I try to never pass judgment on things I haven’t tried myself – y’know, except things like murder (so far), rape, racism, taking the elevator down from the second floor, etc. I could never bring myself to send someone a dick pic, but once, in college, I tried the next best thing. A friend of mine had started going on Chatroulette dressed as a bunny. He said he wanted to get “Chatroulette famous”, whatever that means. I’d sit and drink with him while he scrolled, dressed like a bunny, making weird jokes. In that week, I saw at least a thousand dicks. It was as though someone bundled up all of the dicks I’d ever seen in my life and put them into a slideshow for me, interspersed with dudes playing video games and groups of drunk college kids. 

“Why?” I wondered. “Why do guys want to show their dicks on this thing?” So, I did what any reasonable human being would do. I went home, got drunk, pulled my pants down, and logged onto Chatroulette.

It went through a blank screen, then a group of three college students who clicked away, and then, of course, another dick popped up. It was belly-button-to-knees of some guy masturbating. And so, I did my best to match his pace – and he didn’t click away. It was a beautiful bonding moment. Does he have his eyes closed? Does he not care who is on the other side of this thing? It was like our penises were two dogs being introduced over the internet to get used to each other before meeting in real life. His was clearly more aggressive than mine and I ended up limp and laughing. I’m sure a drunken man’s laughter was the last thing he was hoping to hear. In retrospect, I should have been a bro and let out a girlish scream so he could finish but I just couldn’t stop the giggles.  

I wrote it off as a failed experiment and still couldn’t grasp the appeal. I figured it was a fad that would fade as Chatroulette lost popularity. But it never did. Over the 14 years since then, nearly every woman I have ever met has received dick pics on a regular basis. They weren’t logged onto some funhouse of dick like Chatroulette. They were just normal people, traversing through normal parts of the web, when BAM! Dick! Every friend, girlfriend and even my mother (who always decides to share them in family chats) has received dick pics. 

 And yet! I have never met a man who has admitted to sending a dick pic.

That’s right. Out of all of the shitty things men have admitted to me, tried to talk about, brag about, and so on, not one guy has, in a bar or otherwise, sat me down and said, “Yo, so I was at home getting myself real hard, then I took like eight or nine pics of my dick, chose the most flattering one, and sent it to like three girls on Tinder. High-five!” 

How can this be? Every woman I’ve met has received at least a dozen dick pics in their life. (One friend was sent so many by a single guy that she printed them all out, put them in a manilla folder, and left them in a stack on his wife’s doorstep.) Yet I have heard no firsthand accounts. I asked every male friend I’ve got. I went on Twitter and offered 20 bucks if anyone would talk to me anonymously. I did everything but walk around ringing a bell, calling for them to come out and play. Not one man came forward; not one man would admit it. The best I’ve heard is theories talking about men like they’re monkeys: they want to show their dick because they think it’s impressive. It is their way of offering themselves to a woman, their method of attracting a mate.

I don’t think there’s any logic to it. If there were, men would be talking to other men about it. We all know that a dick is about as pretty as an Italian sausage left out in the rain. We know that most women have no desire to receive them. We know it is creepy and shameful. That is why men don’t admit it, even to other men, even anonymously, even for 20 bucks.