Tips on how to identify and deal with a loss of Libido in a relationship.

Dealing with loss of libido 

Remember those glorious days in your teens when your hormones were all over the place and even looking at a white wall made you so horny you couldn’t function? weren’t those amazing? 

In adulthood, with new concerns such as work pressure, rent and bills, school work, body issues and the unbearable heaviness modern living can bring, sometimes you lose your libido. 

Those insane thoughts about sex become a lot less frequent and less demanding action. Science says that men think about sex every five seconds, but that’s an average number, and for each average, there’s the lower part of the spectrum which we’ll talk about now. 

Sexual desire gaps and mismatching libidos are a real test for a relationship since it’s a common saying in relationship phycology that sex is about 20% of a good relationship when it’s good, an 80% when it’s not.

Here are a few quick tips for trying to navigate these risky waves, divided into several main topics. 

How often you have sex isn’t necessarily a good gage of understanding the sex drive of your partner, since if the desire is there and there’s a clear anticipation for sex but other circumstances are preventing it - it’s just misfortune.A real loss of libido is determined by a prolonged lack of desire for sex, lack of anticipation for the act itself and lack of connection. It’s also often that one party (the one with the higher sex drive) will be the initiator and the other party might feel uncomfortable or pressured. 

This act of being very clear is preventing this for us. 

Give compliments and be affectionate often:  

This issue was covered in some of my previous articles, but it’s extremely important to maintaining a healthy sex drive. If you make your partner feel desired, they will want you. Another thing that can be overlooked in long-term relationships where couples end up losing desire is that they feel too comfortable with each other.

People lust over unattainable figures when you feel so comfortable that describing your poops become the norm, you give up some of the magic and mystery. My personal best advice in this case, is to make yourself feel good for yourself and for your partner and make your partner feel desired and wanted. 

A loss of libido can also indicate an actual health problem. Happy, healthy adults should want to procreate. It’s in our genes. Our sex drive, as much as it’s an epic pleasure source, it’s also an important evolutionary tool.

Create a stressless environment and ditch bad habits:  

If you’re open and honest and are able to talk openly about the issue, you should focus on identifying triggers. 

Both for lack of desire, and for little glimpses of it. 

If you’re able to identify small instances where there are flutters of emotion even in an overall sex lacking period, try and focus on the behaviours that caused those, talk about it and find ways to create more of those instances. 

Just like this, find the opposite. If there is anything that is specifically off-putting and you’re able to identify as damaging to the process of the libido restoration, try and do your best to avoid that behaviour. 

When talking about it, be very mindful of making sure you’re only talking about the exact behaviour itself and not the person and specific actions and not the person itself, since this can be very hurtful to the party trying to change.

Additionally, try and be mindful that when in a relationship, lack of libido is also accompanied by guilt and stress, since no one wants to leave their partner unsatisfied. Talking openly and consistently making the person know you’re aware it’s not their fault and that they haven’t done anything wrong, can help reduce feelings of guilt and shame and help with speeding up the process of gaining back their sex drive. 

Remember these things come in waves, a good relationship can survive any wave if you’re open and honest and are willing to talk about the uncomfortable topics and remember to have fun with each other regardless of the bedroom. 

A time of low sex drive can be a good time to work on your friendship, learn something new together, go exploring and create new experiences so that later, if the wheels turn and you find yourself in this case, you know your partner will be there, be supportive and will make you feel loved.