Uncover the appeal of dating reality shows. Are we drawn to the drama, the romance, or the thrill of seeing others fall in love?

Discover why dating reality shows like Love Island and Too Hot to Handle keep us hooked. Is it the drama, romance, or something deeper?

Why Are We So Obsessed With Dating Reality Shows? 

Why Can't We Stop Watching Dating Reality Shows?

What is it about dating reality shows that capture our interest? Is it seeing messy couple drama unfold on screen or watching an idealized version of love that we may not get to experience ourselves? Do dating reality shows make us feel good about romance or leave us jaded? Most importantly, why aren’t there any good sex scenes in dating reality shows? 

Either you love dating reality shows or you love to hate them. While we’ve moved past some of the worst exploitation of the mid-aughts trash TV shows like MTV’s Next and Date My Mom, our contemporary dating reality shows like Love Island and Too Hot To Handle still pack in enough cringe and raunchy drama to keep us bingeing predictable season after season. So what is it about dating reality shows that captures our interest? 

By and large dating reality shows promote an outdated traditional view of relationships. Even shows like Queer Ultimatum, which seemed progressive among the rest since it featured an exclusive cast of women dating women, set up the goal for contestants to find a monogamous spouse… sometimes in as little as 6 weeks. For 

people who are growing increasingly cynical of dating

, yet always imagined themselves tying the knot, the straightforward premise of these shows can provide an escapist thrill. While we may be skeptical of the authenticity of the relationships, after all, how deeply can you truly know someone after only a month of dating, the return to simplistic relationship stories can feel good. We get to sit back and watch others fall in love, get a proposal with a big diamond ring, and a perfect white dress to walk down the aisle, without living through the hellish landscape of disappointment that comes with dating in late-stage capitalism.

Choose your favorite (or least favorite) character

The other appeal of reality shows is the almost cartoonish characters. Predictably, there is always a villain among the contestants who are edited to look bad and cunning. We also get the stereotypical love triangle. Of course, in the reality TV dating world non-monogamy simply doesn’t exist, leading to heartbreak and tears rather than a triad or happy polycule. Dating reality shows allow us to root for which contestant we want to secure the prized partner because they have to choose, that’s the whole premise. However, there is often a point in the show where we switch from simply judging contestants to seeing their more vulnerable sides. And that is the redeeming quality of dating shows. Under the trash and ludicrous sexual innuendos, we get to see how other people navigate relationships. If you watch long enough, you’ll eventually recognize yourself in the contestants. 

While it can be fun to judge others as they stumble through the often absurd situations and challenges set before them, what becomes evident is that dating is complicated for everyone. Even those who are skeptical of the legitimacy of the contestant’s motives, can’t help but be moved by genuinely tender moments that unfold between couples. While these shows may be overly produced to the point of being cheesy, it’s understandable that within a group of strangers, real feelings can and do emerge. When we see glimpses of true vulnerability, contestants reacting poorly to romantic challenges, or the nerves that come with not knowing if they will be picked by the person they like, we recognize emotions that are all too familiar to us. While many of the relationships portrayed in these shows aren’t exactly the healthiest matches, though some couples are astonishingly sweet together, it helps us see how other people navigate the challenges we also face in interpersonal relationships. 

When we see glimpses of true vulnerability, contestants reacting poorly to romantic challenges, or the nerves that come with not knowing if they will be picked by the person they like, we recognize emotions that are all too familiar to us. 

Perfect Match may be an easy-to-consume guilty pleasure, but it’s clear that the contestants are performing a personal brand. Our suspicions that they were cast not because they want to find love but because they make compelling entertainment, is confirmed as the same contestants circulate through the various other reality dating TV shows in the Netflix Universe. While I’ll be the first to admit that I will watch any show with Francesca Farago, we don’t get an impression that her attempts at love are genuine or that we ever get to know the real her. This doesn’t take away from the entertainment value of her performance. While the stereotypical dating reality show model includes a cast of excessively attractive people who seem to all have a decadent lifestyle even though they seem to have vague careers that never truly seem to come up in their conversations with their new partner, some shows are breaking that mold and giving us far more authentic stories.  

Finding sincerity in dating reality shows 

Luckily, not all dating reality shows feel disingenuous; the genre is surprisingly vast and continuously growing. Netflix’s Love on the Spectrum follows young adults on the autism spectrum as they explore (often for the first time) the world of romance. What the producers allowed to unfold is a genuinely touching show about earnest people who seem genuinely invested in trying to find love. Since we’re often used to ridiculous premises, manufactured high stakes, and cash prizes, a show that refrains from gimmicks feels refreshing and delightful. Stripped down, this type of dating reality show allows us to spend a lot of time learning about the people and understanding their fears and hopes. It allows us to reflect on our visions of love, as we listen to them monologue about the types of partners they hope to find. When they experience rejection, it’s nearly impossible not to feel empathy for them. And as they fall in love and experience the exciting prospects of a relationship, we can’t help but root for them.

The rise in popularity of reality dating shows has also meant that we get a wide array of series from all over the world. Watching international spinoffs of our familiar favorites like Love is Blind, allows us to see the cultural differences in how couples navigate relationships given the same premise. Shows like The Boyfriend give us a peak at gay life in Japan, and we hear how certain contestants discuss their fears about coming out to families. We also see tender camaraderie and affection develop between the housemates who all seem changed by the experience of living in a house with other gay men for an extended period. We get invested in the outcomes of the relationships and continue to follow our favorite personalities on social media after the show ends. 

What I love about dating reality shows is the variety and the surprising tenderness. Sometimes, even in the most ridiculous-sounding shows, we find unexpected tenderness or stories that leave an impact. Going into Naked & Afraid of Love, I was certainly not expecting to end up crying. But watching Candace and Crystal open up to the possibility of dating women because they felt an unexpected connection was moving. It showed the anxiety, tenderness, confusion, and excitement of first queer relationships. It was the type of content that we don’t see very often in a category that remains largely saturated by heteronormativity. It was fun to see a representation of two bisexual women of color, characters that rarely appear in mainstream media. The show as a whole is completely over the top, I mean they are all dating each other butt-naked, on a tropical island while trying to survive with basically no amenities! But that doesn’t mean that all aspects were shallow, and that’s what keeps us coming back to this genre: we want the voyeuristic pleasure of seeing who will connect. 

What we still lack in dating reality shows is more polyamorous, kink, and sex! As we discussed earlier, reality dating TV is still largely normative. Some topics still haven’t hit the mainstream. While monogamy is pushed to its most absurd in shows like Love is Blind where couples are forced to date each other through a wall and get engaged before ever seeing one another, polyamorous relationships still don’t have much visibility. Some shows like How To Build A Sex Room, attempt to talk openly about sex and kink, but it isn’t a dating reality show and the whole vibe feels more like your cooky aunt oversharing about dildos. Some shows like Too Hot To Handle make an absolute spectacle of sex, with contestants being forbidden to touch or fuck, under threat of losing prize money. The contestants bemoan not being able to masturbate, which can only be described as unrealistic and forced horniness. In many shows, we see scenes of couples under a duvet, which cuts to a B-roll of ocean waves or sunrise set to upbeat music. We rarely see real sex in dating reality shows. 

Some shows like Too Hot To Handle make an absolute spectacle of sex, with contestants being forbidden to touch or fuck, under threat of losing prize money. The contestants bemoan not being able to masturbate, which can only be described as unrealistic and forced horniness.

Let’s face it, we aren’t just curious about how people flirt. I know I’m curious about how other couples have sex and I also know I’m not the only one. Part of the fun of watching dating reality shows is seeing (and maybe comparing) ourselves to others. We want to watch and learn how others behave, and that extends to sex. Unfortunately, porn is one of the only avenues where we get to see uncensored sex, but just like some dating reality shows, calling it “real sex” is a far stretch. Most of us, with any degree of media literacy, understand that porn is a performance, which can leave us wondering how actual couples have sex. Wouldn’t it be cool if there was a show that allowed us to watch the sex scenes? 

—the world's first naked dating show where four real porn couples meet and fuck for the first time. 