Hey Aria,
I’m a straight cis woman who is almost 40 years old. As in, my 40th birthday is a few weeks away but it feels like my midlife crisis is already here. I have most of the things I’d envisioned for myself at this point: a career I love, a passport full of stamps, a close-knit friend group. I’m really proud for having done things my way and I genuinely do derive so much joy and fulfillment from the life I built myself. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish I had someone to share it with.
It’s not that I need a man to make me happy, but I want one! Since I’ve achieved just about everything else that’s important to me, I’ve been applying that same tireless drive to my love life. I’m on virtually all the dating apps under the sun, and I always pay for the premium tier. I let my friends set me up on so many dates that they’ve run out of guys to match me with. Any time I’m attracted to a stranger, I make myself ask them out. You name it, I’m doing it, and yet I’m still single. At this point, I’m considering hiring a matchmaker but it’s expensive and it feels like giving up.
I do want to get married, and it feels like time is running out to make that a reality. Do you think I should spring for the matchmaker, keep at it on my own, or just take a seat on the sidelines once and for all? The constant disappointment is really breaking my heart.
Sincerely,
Fearing Forty
Dear Fearing Forty,
I admire you for making your desire for a long-term partnership clear to yourself and to others around you. Not only do you know what you want, but you seem highly committed to getting it, and aren’t afraid to call for backup (often our friends really do know someone who would be great for us).
It’s clear you’re a really passionate and driven person who can summon incredible focus to reach her goals. These are admirable traits, and I can see how they’ve brought you success in other areas of your life. But I’m not surprised to hear that this hasn’t been the case with your love life. Unfortunately, unlike other arenas like career and travel, finding love is not quite a matter of willpower.
“Unlike other arenas like career and travel, finding love is not quite a matter of willpower.”
In fact, it’s possible that being overly regimented in your pursuit of a partner has actually become an obstacle for you. Enlisting the help of your friends was smart, but if you’re still thirsty after their well of available men has run dry, it’s possible you’ve been a bit overeager. If you’re really on all of the dating apps at once, it’s likely that you’re not engaging with any of them fully enough to really reap the benefits of those premium subscriptions.
Yes, dating is a numbers game, but the idea isn’t to play like it’s a lottery. You’re not trying to “win” whatever random dude gets you closest to your happy ending as soon as humanly possible. You’re looking for the guy who feels like they were put on this Earth to make you happy. Whenever you find him, it will feel like the right time, even if it’s later in life than you had hoped. There’s no such thing as “too late” when it comes to love – or marriage, for that matter.
“Whenever you find him, it will feel like the right time, even if it’s later in life than you had hoped. There’s no such thing as ‘too late’ when it comes to love – or marriage, for that matter.”
Sure, you could always upgrade your wardrobe, wear red lipstick every day, and speed-date your whole city. You could do all kinds of things to speed things along, so to speak. But that path is likely to just leave you tapped out — spiritually, emotionally and financially. Better to find new places to invest all of the love and attentiveness you have to offer, and keep your heart open to everyone you attract in the meantime.
By the way, I notice that you’re writing to me from the United States, where I’m from, and where our cultural notion of what constitutes a “family” is painfully limited. It’s easy to empathize with having been taught that life should be “shared” with the other members of the nuclear unit we form in adulthood, made up of our spouse and perhaps our children. And yes, it’s true that we’re social creatures, meant to live life alongside each other. That said, I’d like to gently encourage you to expand your idea of who should be a part of that journey.
These close-knit friends of yours definitely sound like strong contenders. What might it look like to forge deeper, more intentional relationships with your platonic loves, the way you hope to with a romantic one? How can you revamp your care networks to make them more robust, and resilient? Who are the ones you can build a sustainable creative practice with? All of this is essential for living a meaningful existence full of love, no matter what’s going on for you romantically.
"What might it look like to forge deeper, more intentional relationships with your platonic loves, the way you hope to with a romantic one?”
To be clear, I don’t want to discourage you from being proactive in your search. In fact, I think hiring a matchmaker could be really great for you, and I definitely wouldn’t call it giving up! There’s a lot to learn from working with a neutral party who can help you see your dating history from a new perspective. Also, the “set it and forget it” approach to dating, where someone else does all the legwork for you, can help prevent you from trying to over-engineer the process.
However you decide to move forward, please go easy on yourself. Dating is always sprinkled with little heartbreaks but I hate to hear that this experience has been so wrenching for you. It’s possible that what you really need is a break, even if it’s just a short one. Consider suspending your Tinder Gold subscription and take some time to pour into yourself and your community, including on social media.
Not in the cliched “if you can’t love yourself no one else will” way, which — for the record — is bullshit. No one is undeserving of love, even and especially if you struggle with self-worth. While you’re waiting for the right person to finally find you, you can always work on being ready for them. Indulge your impulse to travel on a whim. Make bold choices that leave you with standout stories to tell. You never know — one of them might make someone want to marry you.
I hope you have the happiest birthday!
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