A monthly sex and relationships advice column by Aria Vega for POV by Lustery, this month on reconciling sexual incompatibilities. 

Aria offers advice to a woman whose husband doesn’t share her kinks – all the way from practicing solo kink to finding a kink community or finding ways to involve her husband more gradually.

I’m Kinky But My Partner Isn’t. What Can We Do? – An ‘Ask Aria’ Advice Column

ASK ARIA: I'm kinky, but my spouse is not. What can we do? 

I’ve been happily married for about 12 years. We met young, as sophomores in college, and though I wasn’t a virgin, I’ve had very little sex outside of our partnership. That was fine for a while, but now that I’m in my thirties, I’ve found myself wanting to explore new desires. The problem is, my spouse isn’t sexually adventurous in the same way, and we’ve reached what feels like an impasse.

Up to this point, I’ve been following various sex and

 online and attending their virtual workshops, reading books by porn scholars, and otherwise just absorbing any information I can about sexuality. Coming from a small conservative community, this has been profoundly enlightening and liberating, and it’s helped me discharge a huge amount of shame about my body and my sexuality.

Without the burden of that shame, I’ve discovered I’m actually quite kinky. I fantasize about being tied up and spanked, or having hot candle wax dripped onto my back. But when I express that to my husband, he balks. It’s clear he has no interest or desire in 

, or kink in general. Given that my husband and I are monogamous and that we’d like to stay that way — dating other people just sounds utterly exhausting to both of us — I’m not sure where to go from here.

I love my husband and he’s a wonderful partner in life and love, but realizing we may be sexually incompatible is scary. I can’t fathom going the rest of my life without getting to fully explore and experience my sexuality. What can we do?

. It may not be a block on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs but it’s my personal belief that owning and expressing your sexuality in full, whatever that means for you, is an essential facet of a full life. Given that most of us hail from cultures that curtail sexual expression, whether by social norms or legal means, reaching that summit is no easy feat. So let me start by recognizing that, and cheering you on from the stands!

While social media may be helping to hasten things, for many of us, this process is one that unfolds over a long stretch of time. There can be nuggets of wisdom that don’t arrive until after you’ve made some pretty big decisions, like choosing a place to live, or perhaps a life partner. But knowing that this is normal doesn’t automatically make it easier, so I’m sorry to hear that you’ve found yourself at that knotty junction. However, I’m pleased to report that you have far more options than opening the marriage or leaving it!

My first recommendation is that you do some exploring of solo kink. While we most often think of BDSM as an activity for a couple or a group, you can absolutely indulge on your own. Start by picking up some bondage toys like a flogger or a ball gag, and experiment with the sensations. You mention wanting to be tied up, so grab some rope and learn how to 

. You can also incorporate items like nipple clamps or an eye mask into your regular masturbation routine for an extra kick. Just don’t forget to engage in some 

By the way, given your interest in the work of 

, have you ever considered creating any content of your own? If you start really getting into the solo kink thing, you may decide it would be fun to do it in front of a camera. It could be a way of incorporating other people into your practice without the physical contact. But if that’s not for you, it’s possible that just watching more kinky porn could support you in scratching that itch while also helping you discover new kinks.

While we most often think of BDSM as an activity for a couple or a group, you can absolutely indulge on your own.

Depending on where you live, you could also watch some kinky things IRL, at a 

 or peep show. This could also be an opportunity to bring your husband into the fold in a way that feels more accessible to him. He hasn’t expressed an interest or desire in kink so far, but if he’s down to experience it from a more removed place, it could help to open his mind to it. If you want to shop in person for those kinky toys, maybe bringing your husband and making a date out of it could be the right setting to get his wheels turning. At the very least, it will help him feel included in your exploration process. Here’s some great advice for how to 

If experiencing BDSM with another person is deeply important to you, you may consider utilizing the services of a sex worker. This would be distinct from non-monogamy, which I know is not for you, while still helping you get your needs met. This may sound a little out there, but many people find that the person they want to share their life with isn’t necessarily the most sexually compatible partner they’ve ever had. In fact, many monogamous relationships 

, and perhaps yours might be one of them. Might this be worth discussing with your husband?

Either way, you should connect with other like-minded people however you can. Make an anonymous Twitter account and start tweeting about your experiences and desires, and join any conversations you see about kink and BDSM. Slide into the DMs of the sex educators and performers you admire. See if there’s a 

 in your city where you can attend a class in person, and introduce yourself to the other attendees. If you’re bold enough, be open with your closest friends about your desires, as it could be the beginning of an even deeper bond. All of this will help you slowly build community around this aspect of your life, and new paths toward exploring your kinky side will keep appearing. Best of luck!