How to use sensual touch to lift your libido out of lockdown and deepen intimacy in your relationship.

It's time to use sensual touch to take your libido out of lockdown and deepen intimacy in your relationship.

Lustery POV | An Excuse to Stroke Each Other Right Now

An Excuse to Stroke Each Other Right Now

Tell me what is more romantic than that gazing into each other's eyes, breathing heavily against lips, as you rock your hips together and meld into one?

Slow sex can be wonderful. It can be transcendent. It might also feel a little out of reach right now. Now, when you've been stuck at home for a year, unwashed, possibly surrounded by kids, and so familiar with your partner you accidentally wiped your nose on them last week. Finding the right moment has also been a lot harder lately, with routines thrown out of wack and the pandemic undeniably 

. One Groundhog Day drags into another then boom, a year smacks you in the face and you're like, holy crap when was the last time I saw my friends? It’s not uncommon, in these maddeningly unsexy times, to have a depleted sexual appetite. “Not being interested in sex during a global crisis is completely normal,” says Sociologist and Sexologist 

, “for many people, it is financial stress, which has to do with a type of stress-related to survival.” When survival is a priority, a frenzy of judgemental and critical thoughts flood in to anticipate the perceived threat. Whilst grasping for some semblance of control is only natural in stressful times, relating in this way can do real damage to a relationship. Plus, getting stuck in your head is certainly no way to have mind-altering sex. Even becoming bedfellows with innocent thoughts like, ‘Am I doing this right?’, ‘Should I have come already?’, 'I fancy fried chicken tonight' can signal you're not as connected to the moment as you could be.

Whatever the cause, it can be frustrating not to enjoy sex as much as you once did or want to. Perhaps sex isn't the concern right now and you just want to vibe with your body a bit better. Either way, one method helped me back down from the thought-fortress that turned sex into Director's Commentary and grounded me back in my body.

and it’s a form of sex therapy developed back in the 1960s by Virginia and William Masters. Created to help partners move away from judgemental, goal-oriented 

by prioritising sensual touch over sexual. Inviting in all the sensations you naturally feel - without any pressure to respond in a certain way or arouse yourself or your partner - means you get to connect with what you really want, instead of what you think you should! By focusing on sensual, not sexual touch you reap the benefits of feeling close to your partner without floating off into the distance as they go at you from behind. “Incorporating skin-on-skin contact can help regulate your nervous systems and make you feel safer and calmer,” Melancon says. “Even if it’s not sexual touch.” Simply feeling 

can help you relax, whether you’re doing this as an introduction to slow sex or not.

If you’re the kind of person that can’t sit still long enough to meditate, this might all sound extremely boring to you. But consider how small movements can lead to big pay-offs as 

, explains: “Slower sex and a longer buildup can result in stronger orgasms for many people (a simple comparison is that you're building up a ‘charge’ in your body that releases with climax, and a longer charge can elicit a stronger response).” So, if you're around your partner 24/7 right now that's substantial charging time, even an iPhone could deliver some decent action after that long. So consider this a build-up if you prefer.

Want to try? Below is a short guide to inspired by Sensate Focus:

Disclaimer: Dissociation can be a response to trauma, so take it one step at a time and stop if you need to. Though this exercise might sound simple, it can be emotionally intense. So take care of yourself, and be intentional about setting boundaries you feel comfortable with (it’s also a good way to practise doing this!). Remember, in the slow lane, there is no such thing as 

Start the exercise by designating a ‘giver’ and ‘receiver’. You will spend around 15 minutes each before swapping roles. The receiver can now communicate boundaries: any parts of the body or forms of touch they do or don’t want to experience. The giver can also describe how they want to touch the receiver so they can consent.

Practice as often as you need before deciding to include more intimate areas in your touch (if you want to). If you do, refrain from kissing just to keep hold of that awareness you've been cultivating, and if orgasm happens, let it, but arousal is not the goal here. Later, you can move into mutual touching and eventually integrate these techniques into sex.

While you might not be able to offer one another much security right now, or plan a future in traditional ways, I hope you decide to offer somebody what Simone Weil calls the rarest generosity of all: your attention.