A Wank For Every Occasion

Category: Points Of View

Author: Jaimee Bell

I’m pretty sure we can agree that sex comes in all sorts of types. There’s sweet and sensual lovemaking with a romantic partner, there’s the still-angry-but-now-horny-too make-up fuck after an argument, the late-night booty call and the half-asleep morning fumble. There’s sex at parties, sex for money, sex for the hell of it. What we may fail to realize is that masturbation is just as diverse – and the results can be just as varied. Though by no means an exhaustive list (and more tongue-in-cheek than academic dissertation – that is, despite hours of ‘hands-on’ research), let’s talk about the different types of masturbation sessions you can have and how satisfying they ultimately are.

The Frustrated Frenzy

Satisfaction Rating:⭐⭐⭐⭐

Have you ever been so frustrated – mad at your boss, pissed at a partner, in a rage at your noisy neighbors – that you’ve stormed into your bedroom and rubbed one out faster than you could even think about it? Because I have. The thing about this orgasm is that when it hits, you feel incredible. It’s the calm after the storm (aka ‘post-nut clarity’) but, like every storm, there is always a mess to clean up afterwards. Don’t worry, though – coming that hard is a transcendental experience and will give you to strength to face whatever comes your way next. (Note: sexually frustrated post-hook-up masturbation is a whole other beast and will be discussed later on in this article.)

How to identify this frenzied self-fuck: It’s fast;It’s furious;It’s often a huge release… of emotions (well, you know, mostly emotions);You may actually laugh (or cry) afterwards – or during!

The Sleepless Self-Fuck

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You’ve scrolled the whole of Twitter, alphabetized your entire book collection, and overthought every human interaction you’ve had in the last week… What else is there to do when you can’t sleep? Sleepless nights can be rough and orgasms are not only a great way to pass the time, they might even help you sleep better. If you have no early meeting to get to or no kids to shuttle off to school, have at it and give yourself an extra half hour to sleep in the next morning.

A step-by-step rundown of the insomnia-induced wank: You try to tell yourself that you shouldn’t masturbate – it’ll only keep you awake longer.You lie there in bed, thinking about all the ways you could be masturbating right now…Eventually, you give in and go for it. It’s half-assed but hey, you’re desperate to sleep, not to seduce yourself.With any luck, you cum, snort triumphantly, and finally roll over to get some sleep. However, there’s always the risk that you might be one of the rare few who feel more awake after climax… Have you tried chamomile tea?

The Performance Piece

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Money-making masturbation in the form of self-made porn, camming and fan sites has been on the rise for the last few years! Either way you flip it, you’re coming out on top of this one! Money in the bank, feel-good hormones buzzing through your system and the ability to say you paid for your car with the power of your genitals… Bragging rights for life.

Here’s what no one tells you about masturbating for money: One of the best jobs ever;Sex work is work and there should be no shame around it;You literally help other people experience pleasure;Did I mention you’re having orgasms for cash?

Procrasturbation Stations

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Monday morning rolls around and you want nothing more than to stay in bed. Desperate for any reason to put off starting your work week or tackling your to-do list, your hands slowly start teasing yourself. Do not delude yourself into thinking this is a “Why Not?” Wank (below) – you do, in fact, have more important things to do than yourself.

How to spot procrasturbation in the wild: “I know it’s a bad idea but it feels so good…”“I’ll just quickly do this/me first…”“If I cum now, I’ll be able to concentrate better – I’m doing the right thing!”

The “Why Not?” Wank

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There is something surprisingly satisfying about masturbating out of sheer boredom. Think about it: the amount of relaxation that you must be feeling to become so chill that you think “Hey, I’m going to cum now because I have absolutely nothing else that I should be doing” – that’s already goals right there. If you’ve accomplished this one recently, good for you!

Don’t let those magical “just because” orgasms go to waste. This is a great time to: Test out some new toys or fantasies;Enjoy some longer format porn – Lustery vlogs, anyone?Get out of masturbation rut.

The “I’ll Do It Myself” Quickie

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Dating can be really hard. Sometimes you click with people… and sometimes you don’t. Sometimes you have incredible sex… and sometimes you lock yourself in the bathroom of their house to finish off the job they started but were not prepared to complete.

This messy masturbation session is: Frustrating without any catharsis – you’re mad when you begin and mad when you end;Often not as satisfying as it could have been;Usually something you only go through once, if you’re lucky.

The Mutual Masterpiece

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There’s nothing that elevates the humble act of getting off quite as much as watching someone you lust after do the same thing. Mutual masturbation is ridiculously underrated. It’s hot, it’s intimate, and it’s a great way to communicate to each other exactly how you like to be pleasured – what’s to love?

Let’s talk about mutual masturbation for a hot minute: There’s no reason to feel awkward about it – watching someone you’re hot for getting off is a major turn-on (see ‘The Performance Piece’ above);When you start, you may be a little self-conscious – and that’s okay!Watch the other person, dirty talk to each other, really get lost in the moment and it will feel absolutely incredible (promise).

The Self-Care Climax

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Orgasms are so incredibly healthy for you, despite what society still tries to tell us. Not only do they feel amazing, but they can also regulate your hormones, allow you to get better sleep at night, boost your immune system and so much more.

Self-care masturbation is: - Something we should all do as often as we want to; - Literally (scientifically) a good idea; - A great way to explore your body and your mind to connect with yourself on a deeper level. All jokes, we tend to take masturbation for granted when life gets busy… and we really shouldn’t. There are so many different ways and reasons to climax. What’s your favorite?

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