How to creatively commit to partners outside of marriage.

Commitment doesn’t have to mean settling down and marriage: from celebrating new holidays to blended families, here are 8 ways to avoid the relationship escalator.

 Lustery POV | 8 Alternatives to the Relationship Escalator 

8 Alternatives To The Relationship Escalator 

” or not, you definitely know the way it lays out the traditional progression of romantic partnerships. It's something like this: you meet a cutie, date a while, become exclusive, meet each other’s families, tell each other "I love you," move in together, get a pet, get married, have kids…

While there’s some wiggle room for customization, the relationship escalator is the template in most Western cultures, and beyond. Major deviations can result in stigmatization from “concerned” friends and family.

Unfortunately, the relationship escalator isn’t a functional template for 

 (and, in a lot of places, for queer people too) since the entire script is predicated on exclusivity culminating in marriage – legal enmeshment that’s only supported between two (sometimes exclusively heterosexual) people. 

For folks who’ve primarily been in monogamous relationships that have followed the escalator model, transitioning to ethical non-monogamy, or other relationships that don’t follow the escalator can be confusing. How do you define commitment if you can’t follow the “normal” steps?

Luckily, there’s a rich tradition of polyamorous and queer folks 

 of being in relationships! Let’s look at creative ways to commit to relationships without hopping on the escalator.

[When] transitioning to ethical non-monogamy...how do you define commitment if you can’t follow the “normal” steps

When you have multiple partners, it can feel like there’s always insufficient time. That’s why thoughtful dates or special experiences are even more important in polyamory than in traditional monogamous partnerships. Folks in alternative relationships have to be deliberate about how they create quality time together since there might not be a large quantity. This is especially true for people in 

Try: Plan dates that are unique to each of your pals’ interests!

For example, if you can’t spend New Year’s Eve with all your pals, you might need to do something fun the following day or week, or you might decide to celebrate the solstice with one partner and forget New Year’s entirely. Regardless, partners need to have specific occasions to look forward to.

Try: Pull out a calendar and decide which holidays are important to celebrate with each of your pals. Notice where there is competition and try to brainstorm alternatives.

Secondary partners often feel like they aren’t 

. Sometimes adopting a pet with a partner whom you don’t live with can help fill that sense of daily commitment. The responsibility of co-caring for an animal can also be more realistic than having children for a lot of couples who aren’t nesting partners (or don’t want to be parents). 

Try: Discuss whether you want to care for an animal together or co-own something important to both of you.

4. Apartments, shared housing, or 50/50 domestic arrangements

I’ve heard incredibly creative housing arrangements between non-monogamous folks. I’ve talked to a polycule that co-owned a small apartment building with each member occupying one unit. Some roommates ended up

 and continued to live together when they had to move. Often one person splits their time between two pals’ houses. Some folks have international lovers and live semi-nomadic lives split between various countries. Most solo-poly folks I know prefer to have their own place regardless of whom they date and for how long. Personally, I prefer having a separate bedroom from my nesting partner within our shared house. There are so many alternatives to sharing a bed with one person!

Try: Challenge yourself to look at new ways of sharing a domestic space among many people.

Folks who haven’t been around many polyam people are often surprised by the creative co-parenting setups that exist. Somehow, it’s really easy for monogamous people to understand when divorced parents share custody but they struggle to understand that multiple people in active relationships might all want to share 

 responsibilities.Regardless, it’s possible and it happens! It’s also perfectly healthy (and normal) for kids to have a large network of caregivers, including many parents. Newbies often fear metas coming into contact with their children but long-timers know that having extra supportive and loving adults is beneficial for everyone.

Try: Put aside your initial gut reactions or instinctive judgment, and try to think about all the “monogamous” blended families you know. Now try to apply the same non-judgment to blended polyam families.

Working on art or a specific project together can increase intimacy and build a sense of having shared goals. Many folks use the relationship escalator to understand what comes next in their partnerships. Folks in alternative relationships can struggle to understand what they are working towards. But relationship building can be done through achieving non-traditional goals. Maybe buying a house together or getting married won’t ever be on the table, but it doesn’t mean you can’t decide to learn woodworking together and build literal tables. There are so many great long-term projects you can commit to working on with your partner.

Try: Set a goal or start a long-term project with your pal. What do you want to achieve together?

Try: Discuss what types of commitment gestures are important to you.

Many folks really enjoy traveling with their partners or might be exclusively “comets” (people who only see/date each other when they happen to be in the same place). Having vacation plans or a consistent travel companion can foster a deep connection between people who don’t necessarily spend regular time together. The often-heightened experiences mean that you can get to know someone better quicker since you’re focusing your energy and activities