A sexologist explains how aftercare for solo sex is a key component of sexual self care. 

Sexologist Arielle Antwine explains how solo sex aftercare is a key component of sexual self-care. 

Lustery POV | Aftercare For One

Aftercare For One: In Favor of Sexual Self-Care

If you’re a sex-positive person, you probably have at least some idea of what aftercare is. Aftercare, in the sexuality sense, is the time and care taken after sexual play between partners.

 defines aftercare as “[a] period of time after intense BDSM activity in which the dominant partner cares for the submissive partner. Some BDSM activities are physically challenging, psychologically intense, or both. After engaging in such activities, the submissive partner may need a safe psychological space to unwind and recover. Aftercare is the process of providing this safe space.”

For me, aftercare is the intentional physical and emotional care that should occur after a kink scene (or any sexual energy exchange) to get all partners to “come down” from the experience.

Aftercare can occur right after, a few hours, or even days after sexual activity. It’s all up to the parties involved and the expectations that you have set with one another to ensure an equally beneficial, holistic, and fulfilling experience.

What constitutes aftercare is largely up to individuals: some people need cuddling, intentional alone time, rehydration and sustenance, or rehashing their experience verbally.

Aftercare is standard procedure following any kink or BDSM scene, but is glossed over in more 

sexual encounters – if present at all. One of the most common ways aftercare is not practiced? When we masturbate.

"Just like aftercare with partnered sex, self-aftercare can be anything you deem necessary to get back to homeostasis."

Did your mind just dart back to the last time you masturbated and then just went on with your day or night? Me too, and we should all stop doing this. 

Just like with partnered sex, the aforementioned ‘happy’ chemicals are running rampant in our brains during masturbation. Both pre- and post-orgasm, we're in a heightened state whether we notice it or not (ahem, arousal and refractory period).

arousal, orgasm, instant come-down, detach without resolution

 sets a precedent to which our body becomes accustomed. Without knowing it, we're conditioning ourselves to receive pleasure and then immediately dissociate.

When we masturbate without aftercare, we're not creating a boundary between our own orgasmic energy and the chaotic energy of the outside world – leaving us vulnerable to absorbing it.

The body needs a way to settle, to find a place where it's no longer susceptible to triggers, and to have closure.

This is where what I call "self-aftercare" comes in.

Self-aftercare means getting your body into a space where it's no longer aroused, creating a safe space for your post-orgasm self the same way you would (or should!) with a partner.

Self-aftercare doesn’t have to be drawn out or formulaic. Just like aftercare with partnered sex, self-aftercare can be anything you deem necessary to get back to homeostasis.

And let me point out that self-aftercare can be adapted directly from partnered aftercare, whether you're talking or journaling through your scene, taking a sensual shower or bath, enjoying a cuddle or a 

Self-aftercare can look like taking deep breaths and thanking your body for allowing you to feel pleasure, or reading part of your favorite book to gently re-engage your mind. Here are some other ideas: 

1. After self-pleasure, note which sensations are still engaged. A common grounding practice you can use is the ‘Five Senses’ meditation: note five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste (with respect to accessibility, of course). 

2. Find a low-stakes activity that lets you calm down, and set aside intentional time after masturbating to do this activity. Even a few minutes will help. 

3. Rehydrate and satiate: Any kinkster will tell you that playtime burns calories, even during a quickie. Drink a glass of water and/or eat your favorite snack following a solo self-love session.

"You are your longest running and most important sexual partner, so why not treat yourself how you want to be treated post-coitus?"

Self-aftercare doesn’t have to take place right after you get off either. You can do what’s called a ‘post-session check-in’ with yourself a few days after the experience. This prioritizes caring for your own mental, physical, and 

 beyond the container of your sexual experience.

 It can be as simple as journaling or writing a digital note about your playtime with yourself. Anything you do to recalibrate yourself and maintain a container for your orgasmic energy provides the closure your body needs.

I know that most people “don’t have time” for a self-aftercare routine. But if you don’t provide aftercare for yourself, who will? You are your longest running and most important sexual partner, so why not treat yourself how you want to be treated post-coitus?