To Fuck, or to be fucked... (why is that a question?)

November 26, 2018 8 min read
Recently, I had a sexy kitchen conversation about who should make the first move to fuck in a lovership. The conversation came up due to the fact that we were both strong personalities that were tired of making the first move. The problem was when we didn’t, then nothing happened. Was it us? Some kind of energy we were giving off that said that we didn’t equally want to grabbed, and thrown against a wall?    

Well, that is the real question. Why is it that having a ‘strong’ personality means that we are the ones who have to dominate. I remember reading The Art of Female Dominance by Claudia Varrin to learn more about D&S loverships. I learned ways that you can switch roles (from dominant to submissive and vice versa), but I was bored with the idea that this was so binary. I did understand that the Dominant (taking out gender) was to basically do what the submissive or sadist desired. They conduct how much pain they want, and often the rules are guided by them. So the submissive is really in control... and I have experienced that to be true, and it was stressful. 

It takes a lot of work to be a Dom because you have to be considerate and rarely receive after care in your position. Plus, even without gender role play, it just ends up being that the more extroverted lover is able to express what they want, sooner. When I am attracted to someone, I am in the now, I don’t want to lose that lingering feeling and my desire makes me want to go for it. But at the same time, I am fantasizing that someone would go for me in that same way.

   Source: ADHD

Why don’t we both go for it?


The mind is a controlling mechanism and it, of course, has been socially calibrated. Even when we protest gender stereo-types, they play out in our relationships. To be transparent, I grew up being told that I should ‘expect’ men to open the door, walk closer to the street, pay for dinner, pick me up, drop me off, and also be the one positioning me during sex. Yet I tended to date men who were the opposite. They were more in touch with their feminine side and loved me even more for not expecting them to be different. Then there came the times that we fought and I told them to ‘man up’ because they were too sexually insecure. This also played out in my early relationships with women, when I was serving femme, waiting, legs wide-open (like a star) for my butch. In my self- discovery I realized that I liked to offer those same things to my lover that I would want. Someone who would also let me ride them and insert my dildo into them, someone who would smack me when the feeling is right and not be a misogynist about it.


Ironically one of the most misogynist lovers I had was a woman. It was a homo- normative relationship where she served the ‘masculine’ duties, taking care of the car, working a lot, and playing a hot shot at parties. In bed, she wanted to be the one to strap. When I was in tune with my feminine, I would be perfect for her, but when I wasn’t, she was blatantly disturbed. I got so bored of our ‘roles’ that I started taking a pole dancing class, performing burlesque, solo-loving more, and watching porn. That only worked for so long before she got jealous and told me I was a sex addict.


First off, none of us would have been born without sexuality. The American way of thinking of sex is that it is something that men should enjoy, with the end goal being to spread his seed (we are approaching 2019 people). In reality, sex is a form of communication that a lot of people suck at. With all the bad sex in movies, expectations are at an all time low and rarely do I find anything that turns me on when watching feminist and queer porn. This is why it is a part of my mission to produce it and turn my fantasies into surreality.

Source: Ze Royal

My own spin has been exhibited in the challenges that I offer my lovers. I try to also portray this sexual tension, lingering, and soft-hard behavior in Neurosex Pornoia, The Toilet Line, and Shutter 2. Each show a different aspect of my way of connecting sexually. The Neurosex Pornoia scenes I did are nerdy, creepy, and dystopic all at once. This satisfies the dark, nasty, twisted dreams that I have about chemistry labs and human experiments. As Z1021, I am sexually bored and decide to order a Neurosex Code to infiltrate my brain with orgasmic fantasies. I end up having a seizure, yet to discover that a mad scientist put out a batch of bad neurosex codes and people were dying of orgasm. The plot twist includes dealing with the Neuro-anarkoqueers who are stealing Neurosex codes for their own pleasure. Z1021 is on neither side, but is convinced that in order to protect the world from being mind fucked, they must get to the bottom of this.   

The Toilet Line seems like a typical Berlin plot, but it is not very often that girls cruise in the bathroom line. It just so happens that Jasko finds Ze to be the perfect catch as they were already eying them on the dance floor. When they make eye contact, Jasko makes a move and the Tetris game begins as soon as the stall door is closed and locked. The scene was unscripted and felt as nasty and dirty as the bathroom, in a good way. It still lingers in my mind. What’s next? Do they exchange numbers? Do they ever see each other again?


In Shutter 2 they do, but in a different circumstance. Ze ties Jasko to a chair and is in a position to do whatever they want. Jasko has to take it, and find pleasure in doing nothing, even when they try. The lingering moments are the height of orgasm when Ze pulls back to leave something to be desired. There’s always more to cum in this short fantasy play, but the chair was marked for life.

All of the scenes had one common theme, and that was mutual satisfaction. The conversation around boundaries and structure of the scene made it so there was no issue around who was going to start. That’s what I enjoyed most. I was able to express my sexuality, consensually, in an exhibitionist fashion. The vulnerability of connecting on screen, not having to wonder whether we were going to have sex or not, no need to hold back and the ability to fully be in the moment, is what I desired, and am not always able to achieve in my love life.

I must admit that I am turned on by erotic anxiety-the unknown side of connecting with a new person, the fear of things not being right, the fantasy perhaps being better than the reality-I don’t like having to guess if the person is comfortable with something or not. I used to be attracted to shy personalities because they ended up being some of the freakiest lovers, but it’s not cute if behind closed doors, the person is just not expressing what they want in any way, shape, or form. I also like spontaneity which means that there may always be a risk that someone doesn’t like the same things you like.

But I have to say, I would rather it go wrong than to never know at all. More people miss out on what ‘could have’ been an amazing sexual circumstance if they expressed their wants and needs. Don’t misunderstand me, being consensual is key, but that also involves conquering the fear of rejection.


If you are in a situation (or remember one) where you coulda, shoulda, woulda made a move, stop limiting yourself and communicate your fantasy. If the other person is not on the same tip, it’s better you know now. You deserve to connect with someone who mutually wants to fill your desire.




Ze Royale
« Ze is a writer, performance artist, sexual anarchist whose philosophy of subjectivity and individualism are themes in all of their work. Ze performs in the music duo Zoid^, is featured in the post porn sci-fi series, Neurosex Pornoia 2 and 3, and wrote a novel, Appetite. » All posts →