Straight dudes with penises: Stop fetishizing lesbian sex and start learning from it.

October 10, 2018 6 min read

Here’s a great irony of stereotypical heterosexual masculinity: while many straight dudes with dicks love to fetishize lesbian sex, consuming endless girl-on-girl porn and offending all queer women in the vicinity by making unwanted requests for threesomes, they sadly don’t seem to have learned much about how to actually prioritize female pleasure. This is part, of course, of a continued injustice plaguing heterosexual humanity: the orgasm gap

We all know that women who have sex with women have more orgasms than their heterosexual sisters. In fact, while 61.6% of heterosexual women reported always reaching orgasm during sex with a familiar partner, 74.7% of lesbian women did—and a whopping 85.5% of heterosexual men. Among college students the gap between straight women and men is shockingly higher, with one study finding 91% of straight men usually or always experience orgasm during partnered sex, compared to 39% of straight women. 

Meanwhile, it’s a truism to the point of inanity that heterosexual men enjoy girl-on-girl porn, with “lesbian” topping the Pornhub search results for many Americans states (and those searches definitely aren’t all coming from lesbians). 

So what gives? Why are straight men so much less likely to please their female sexual partners than queer women—and why does watching so much lesbian porn not seem to have helped them? 

In a word: fetishization. While straight dudes may say they’re turned on by lesbian sex, it’s not necessarily female pleasure that gets them off. It’s sheer fantasy, the idea of the forbidden, or the idea that women’s bodies and pleasure are at their, the man’s, disposal. 

Many a blatantly homophobic man has told me that he enjoys watching women have sex with each other, but if I actually come out to him as a queer woman, he looks at me like a space alien with three heads—and, lord forbid, if I actually sleep with him, I predict zero orgasms. 

This is the difference between the experience of lesbian sex—which definitionally centers around women and women’s pleasure—and straight men’s fetishization of lesbian sex, which assumes that women are objects for male pleasure, that they have sex with other women for male enjoyment, and that, in short, all sex always is all about men.

This, of course, is why women tend to have more orgasms with other women that with straight men. Many straight dudes with dicks cling to the persistent, old-school myth that sex is all about the penetration of a vagina with a penis, that it’s defined by the male orgasm, and that the activities most likely to make women orgasm—oral sex and fingering, not to mention play with sex toys—aren’t “really” sex, because they don’t involve a penis. 

Straight women don’t have less orgasms than their lesbian sisters because men are naturally terrible at sex; they have less orgasms because in a sexist society, men are trained to prioritize themselves, and their sexual pleasure, as the center of the universe. 

So, straight dudes of the universe: I won’t tell you what kind of porn to like or not—watching lesbian porn and having threesomes in real life can be fun, healthy, enjoyable sexual experiences for all involved. 

But I will tell you that rather than watching lesbian porn with the assumption that you and your penis are the center of the universe, watch it to (please oh please), center women and womens pleasure

Want some tips? Here is what I wish straight dudes would learn from lesbian porn:

  1. 1. Support queer female porn directors and actors. Seriously! It’s the best way to see woman-woman sex, made by and for women who have sex with women. And it’s the best way to learn how women have all the crazy, blow-your-hair-back orgasms they do with each other, when you’re  not around. Plus, monetarily supporting queer female pornographers will help make up for that 20 cents extra on the dollar you’re making over your female coworkers just for being a dude. 

  1. 2. Your dick is not the center of the universe. Your dick can be a great part of a healthy, happy sex life. Your female sexual partners might even love your dick. It might give them deep and profound happiness and pleasure. But your dick does not define sex. It does not need to ejaculate for sex to happen or to be “complete.” 

  2. Just as those women you like watching onscreen have lusciously happy sex without a penis in sight, you too can make your own sex life less dick-centric by focusing on pleasuring your female partners. Fingers, tongues, sex toys, scissoring—you name it, and you can try it. (Yes: even scissoring. I’ll let you figure out the logistics on that one.)

source: Chewing gum

3. Sex is not over just because you’ve cum. Make sure your female partner is enjoying herself, and has cum if she wants to. I know this sounds completely basic, but you’d be astounded how many men out there still believe that sex is over because they’ve ejaculated, with nary an orgasm for their female partner in sight. 

This is, frankly, bullshit. If you tend to cum first—or if your female partners often don’t orgasm at all—reverse the game. Give her all the attention. If you don’t have an orgasm at all for a while but give her tons, that’s called reparations. And even if she can’t or doesn’t want orgasms, focus on what makes her feel good.

  1. 4. Remember that queer women are actual people, with pleasures, desires, thoughts, perspectives, hang-ups, traumas, and successes just like you or anyone. They don’t exist to turn you on. They don’t exist to give you pleasure. They’re people. 

  2. They may be hot people, and it’s fine to enjoy watching videos of them having sex with each other, but they’re still full human beings. Assuming that any human being exists solely for your pleasure makes you a douchebag. Don’t be a douchebag.

source: Nataloople

And there you have it, folks! While the stats about the orgasm gap are definitely depressing, especially for our heterosexual sisters, the good news is that the orgasm gap is an entirely man-made (pun intended) phenomenon. 

There’s nothing wrong with the machinery—it’s all about the perspective. So men, next time you’re enjoying some girl-on-girl porn, consider supporting queer women artists and performers, and learn from what you’re watching, don’t just fetishize. I promise it will make sex better for everyone involved.

Reina Gattuso
« Reina Gattuso is a feminist freelance writer whose work has appeared at Bitch, Time, The Washington Post, and more. She is a columnist at Feministing, where her work focuses on sexuality and power, gender, pleasure, and violence. She's currently working toward her MA in Arts and Aesthetics in New Delhi, and her work on sexuality, consent, and popular culture has been featured and cited in several academic publications. » All posts →