Ms Blah Monthly Horoscope - October
ARIES Mar 21 - Apr 19
Hi, thanks for taking care of my cats while I’m out of town. You'll find food and treats under the cupboard. Please change the litter every day and most important: never play Britney’s music at home. NEVER. Especially Toxic. They’ll get violent, they could disgrace your face in a second.
TAURUS Apr 20 - May 21
Eh, do you see that bed, yeah? It’s comfy, it’s suave…go there, it’s all yours, it’s waiting for you and you can stay for hours in its hugs. Your bed is the best friend you will ever have.
GEMINI May 21 - Jun 20
Be sure to hang-up that call before you start bitching about your friends.
CANCER Jun 21 - Jul 22
Everybody knows those pictures are from two summers ago. Honey, it’s easy to guess: nobody is wearing a mask.
LEO Jul 23 - Aug 22
Siestas are not only for summer. The only difference is that from now until spring you can wear pyjamas, according to the Spanish Siesta International Institute (SSII).
VIRGO Aug 23 - Sep 22
If you use expensive makeup for an intense sex routine you are wasting money. Just go as you are and enjoy.
LIBRA Sep 23- Oct 22
There are some things on the internet you will never understand, shouldn't think about even. Like the plastic chicken playing frute video or the one where they turn a banana into a kiwi just by contact.
SCORPIO Oct 23 - Nov 21
You got angry at a Pisces and you're surprised by how quickly it escalated from insult to burning your house down. Well, now you know: never mess with a little fish, honey.
SAGITTARIUS Nov 22 - Dec 21
It doesn’t matter how many planets are in retrograde (right now nine are going backwards) you will always be flawless, beautiful, smart and evil. Planets don’t change genetics.
CAPRICORN Dec 22 - Jan 19
Do you know what makes you sexy? Knowledge. A little bit of History, Cinema or Photography, a spice of Astronomy, and omg I’m all yours if you know how to cook.
AQUARIUS Jan 20 - Feb 18
Forget about your famous hormone attack: with masks on the effect is all gone. As much as you try to spray them around, nobody is going to catch them. I’m sorry, you’ll have to find another way to be irresistible.
PISCES Feb 19 - March 20
Pisces, please, stop crying. I didn’t even start my prediction. Come on, everything is going to be alright. Autumn is a very nice season. You’re going to be fine.