Ms Blah Monthly Horoscope - May
ARIES Mar 21 - Apr 19
What are you going to do with that TikTok account when quarantine's over? If I were you, I wouldn't only delete the profile but burn all the terrific pyjamas you wore there so no one never can recognize it was you.
TAURUS Apr 20 - May 21
You should have accepted by now that maybe some of your festivals this summer are going to be cancelled. To alleviate your pain begin this ritual: wear a sweaty t-shirt - it doesn’t matter if it’s not yours- and stand in the middle of the living room picturing yourself after working 10 hours behind a festival bar under the sun in Spain. Frustration vanishes in seconds.
GEMINI May 21 - Jun 20
None of your lovers are available this month but don’t forget to call the best lover you had: you. Have a date, get dressed to undress, prepare lube and toys, a good Lustery scene to match your mood and leave everything else to imagination.
CANCER Jun 21 - Jul 22
You’ll stay at home so long you forget which door's the exit. You’ll have keys in hand for two more days more until you finally find it.
LEO Jul 23 - Aug 22
Don’t put your closet in order if you don’t want to find many regretful things you don’t need to see now. Four words: sexy - nurse - outfit- Halloween - 2002. You have it, you wore it. I don’t think you are ready to face it yet.
VIRGO Aug 23 - Sep 22
Watch your self or you will end up as paranoid about fluid exchange as Sandra Bullock in Demolition Man, though maybe that saved her from having sex with her father before knowing he was her father, something…disturbing.
LIBRA Sep 23- Oct 22
Most people break down after a very stressful situation in their lives, but not you. You are so used to chaos and destruction, this is like a walk through the park on a sunny day
SCORPIO Oct 23 - Nov 21
Dear Scorpio, I do know how to read the stars. I mean, from planet earth. I can’t do it from the planet you were born on.
SAGITTARIUS Nov 22 - Dec 21
Didn’t you miss the times when you had a cyber boy/girlfriend? Enjoy the advantages of having emotional support but no physical contact at all.
CAPRICORN Dec 22 - Jan 19
In the name of all signs of the horoscope, I thank you, dear Cap. I thank you for working even harder although confined, for getting up early in the morning and have only two free weekends per month. You are the only one in the whole zodiac that is doing it.
AQUARIUS Jan 20 - Feb 18
The National Institute of Astrology Crispín Clander is making advancements in the technology used to change the zodiac sign of a person. By now the best results have been transitioning from Cancer to Scorpio and from Sagittarius to Aquarius.
PISCES Feb 19 - March 20
Dear Pisces, I’m very proud of your stats this year. So far you have cried 2.7 times per month, a much lower rate compared with the same period last year, that was 4.2 times. It’s true that we haven’t reached the peak yet but it’s most likely that you are going to make a good season.