Ms Blah Monthly Horoscope

February 5 7 min read


ARIES Mar21-Apr19 
Drink your coffee before it’s cold and disappointed.

TAURUS Apr20-May21 
Lose yourself to dance. Move your body to the rhythm of the music without looking around.
You mesmerize people with your graceful moves, then ask them to buy you drinks. Feel powerful.

GEMINI May21-Jun20 
Excuse me, I need some advice: I got a jasmine plant growing at the balcony but it doesn’t bloom.
Should I put some kind of fertilizer? Should I water them more? Please, help.

CANCER Jun21-Jul22 
The best crabs in the Pokemon world, according to experts, are: Crawdaunt (the evolution of Parasect), Cabrawler, and Crustel.

LEO Jul23-Aug22 
You definitely need a hobby. I suggest oral sex.
It’s fun and you would meet some interesting genitals.
You can combine it with some hand job if you get bored at some point.

VIRGO Aug23-Sep22 
If you are having sleeping problems you can make this ritual: Go to the park and look for a tree with no leaves.
That means the tree is hibernating, therefore sleeping. Put your arms around it, holding it for a while. Be one with it.
Then go home and take a sleeping pill. Sweet dreams.

LIBRA sep23-oct22 
Your New Year’s Eve outfit was undoubtedly flawless, however, after a month, it’s more than convenient that you change your clothes. 

Have you even had a shower?

SCORPIO Oct23-Nov21 
Somebody will put some drugs in your drink in your favorite bar this month.
 You will feel disoriented at the beginning, then euphoric, then talkative, then exhausted. Don’t try to blame others, that somebody is you.


Sit down on your credit card like a dragon on its treasure if you want to make ends meet.

CAPRICORN Dec22-Jan19 
Your yoga teacher knows that you are not interested in the peace of mind and good health this exercise can bring to you. 

They know you go for the quiet nap you can’t have at that so-called home you live in.

AQUARIUS Jan20-Feb18

Aquarius is an Air Sign. Sometimes this month you’ll feel tired, with no energy, 

that’s because people around you is breathing too much.

PISCES Feb19-March20 
It’s ok if you haven’t seen the last Star Wars movie, or The Joker, or Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, 

but you definitely need to watch Terminator: Dark Fate. Really, it was the best of 2019.

Maria Blah
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