Ms Blah Monthly Horoscope - August

August 3 3 min read

ARIES Mar 21 - Apr 19

Stop treating Libra people so badly, they can feel your sarcasm and total lack of interest when they are talking. They are people, you read me? They deserve respect and a piece of chocolate cake from time to time. Be nice.

TAURUS Apr 20 - May 21

As a Taurus, it must be hard for you to be allergic to lactose, gluten, tomatoes, peppers, soya, and rice since you are the only zodiac sign that can appreciate food. Lucky for you, you are not allergic to latex! That gives you an endless safe sexual life!

GEMINI May 21 - Jun 20

Your ego is so big I’m sure you masturbate thinking about yourself. How do I know? I read the stars, bitch! There’s much more information about you there than on the internet, believe me.

CANCER Jun 21 - Jul 22

A tan is a tan. Nobody is going to notice if you got it from Mallorca or your living room. Share the pictures nobody saw from the last holiday and save the summer.

LEO Jul 23 - Aug 22

Dear Leo, you are in your season but that doesn’t mean you are invincible or immortal for the month. Remember what happened last year. Take care.

VIRGO Aug 23 - Sep 22 

To tell somebody they must wash their hands to touch you is not being rude but healthy, however, spraying them from head to toe with bleach is too much. Recognise the difference between healthy and toxic, dear.

LIBRA Sep 23- Oct 22

The aubergine emoji represents a penis, my friend. And the peach is most likely a big round butt. Now you realize they weren’t talking about their shopping list, don’t you? It's time to get fluent in the language of emojis or you're going to miss those hot millennial signals.

SCORPIO Oct 23 - Nov 21

How does it feel to be everybody’s secret fantasy? Don’t tell me you can’t feel it in the street, through the masks. You know they’re bitting their lips while looking at you lusciously. You just have to choose one - or many - and have the summer of your life.

SAGITTARIUS Nov 22 - Dec 21

The CIA put a chip under your skin and now you can’t stop listening to Maluma’s songs. I feel bad for you. Probably they made a mistake and this punishment was for another person but, how to tell them….

CAPRICORN Dec 22 - Jan 19

Oh dear Cap, if you wanted, I could be your summer lover. The greatest of them all. The one that always brings cold smoothies and condoms. The one that touches your body but not your feelings. Call me.

AQUARIUS Jan 20 - Feb 18

Come on you pretty thing, smile! I know you can. It’ll make you good, don’t be afraid! Think about funny puppies and lactose-free ice creams, pineapples, all right! You got this, I can see your teeth now. Yeeessss...a little bit more aaand...ok you look like a total mad-psycho person, stop.

PISCES Feb 19 - March 20

Dear Pisces, your businesses are doing fine, your lovers are amazing and you are healthier than ever. Can you believe that, after all, 2020 is going to be your year? Neptune is protecting you my darling fish. Cry with joy. Your tears are diamonds to this planet.

Maria Blah
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