Make online dating your bitch!

October 22, 2018 8 min read
We find our jobs, our clothes, some of our friends, our gaming partners and pretty much anything we need online, so why is anyone surprised we’re finding partners online too?                       
  1. People go online since when you’re out in the real world, you don’t know who’s in a relationship, who really hates talking to strangers, who’s having a terrible day and will spill their drink in your face if you try to talk to them and who’s really into you but is too shy to make the first move. The idea of online dating is a pool of people who in theory, have put themselves out there to be approached since they’re looking for a connection. It can be any sort of connection, but the main idea is being open to the idea of being contacted.

Source: Davisbot

When I used online dating it was as successful as I wanted it to be. Meaning, it gave back as much as I put into it. If I cared about what came out of it, I was dating quality people I had a wonderful time with and if not, I found myself with some impressively disgusting human trash. After also reading several studies about the topic and watching more than a few talks from clinical psychologists and even online dating coaches, here are some tips:


1. Rejection happens and you should be prepared for it. The reason a lot of people find online dating hard is that they sometimes project onto someone they found a lot of their wishes and desires and end up getting rejected by people they believed would be perfect for them, before they even had a real interaction. Remember that you didn’t even know some of these people existed and that a well crafted online profile with some cute photos doesn’t mean anything. Also, if someone isn’t after the same thing you’re after, there’s no point in wasting time trying to convince them otherwise. Just move on, Save your energy.


Source: Davisbot

2. Don’t fall for the “who liked you” trap. A lot of online sites ask you to pay for featured like seeing who liked you and seeing who’s interested in you, but this only plays to their favour since they’re interested in keeping you single. When trying to find people online, focus on who YOU like, and don’t start settling just because this person who don’t really think is for you decided they like you.


3. You need to share something real to find something real. Most people nowadays play the online dating game like it’s a video game, hours of fruitless banter without it leading to anything concrete. In reality it’s simply a tool to create connections. Those connections can be anything you choose they be. If you steal a conversation into a deep place, your connected will be deep. If you keep it light and sexy you can find your casual sex partner and if you’re looking for a real romance, you will need to put in the work to actually find the person who’s looking for the same in the crowds of people simply looking for positive reassurance they're hot.

So, how do you win at online dating?                                                        


1. Remember that person for work who doesn’t shut up about their new camera? The friend who’s trying to be a photographer or that other person you know who’s an actual professional photographer? get them to take a few good portraits that show you smiling, out and about and enjoying yourself. We’re in the era of Instagram and images matter a lot. Remember that you’re competing with absolutely everyone and some of them happen to be those annoying people who look magical greek gods even after three days of partying - so show your best self.                          


    2. Have friends from the gender/s you’re attracted to look over your images and profile. They’ll be able to see things from the perspective of the people you’re trying to attract and give you real and valuable tips you might not notice. 

  2. 3. Decide what you’re looking for. There’s nothing wrong with only wanting sex or being dead set focused on finding someone to have a family of cat babies with, but make sure that it’s something you convey in your profile. Which means two things: The first is that you should do your research on understanding where people go to find the type of interaction you’re looking for. You might not be able to find a life partner on FetLife, but that sure is the place to find a Dom. If you’re looking for something casual Tinder is probably a safe bet. To find anything more requires a site/app that actually allows for writing a real profile and being able to really show yourself. If you only have a few images of yourself it’s really hard for someone to know if you’ll actually connect in the real world.        


    4. Make it easy for people to contact you. Being non-specific (saying you like electronic music instead of giving a list of DJ’s) and having positive and uplifting language is has been shown in several studies to be the best approach to writing about yourself online. It’s hard to make a first move even online and keeping it positive and showing a happy outlook on life is making it seem like being with you would be better for anyone reading your profile than being on their own. It sends the message that you’re an outgoing person who’s easy to be around and who’s not too caught up on anything specific.


    5. Both men and women need something apart from the way you look to strike up something to talk about. Having something in your profile that would help people know what to talk to you about is a great way to get messages. Something like “Trying to find the best coffee in town” or “Just finished binge watching Stranger things, what should be next?” is allowing anyone reading you profile a clear conversation starter. Add fun goals. Have something you’ve always wanted to do? Say it. Anything from “I want my sex tape to break the amateur view count on PornHub” to “I want to learn how to make perfect thin crust pizza at home.” it goes back to the same idea of showing that being with you is better than being alone, and people want to join an adventure.

  5. 6. Don’t say what you don’t want and don’t be negative. Even if you’re tired of not getting messages back or had a few people reacting really shitty, had bad dates with people - all of that doesn’t matter, it doesn’t belong on you profile or on your first few dates. Everyone has crazy ex stories, everyone has been on at least one bad date and everyone don’t like having their time wasted, but if you’re writing it in your profile you seem petty, jaded and like you’ve got too much baggage. 

  6. This doesn’t send the right signal. If you’re being too negative and focus on what you don’t like, to you it might seem like you’re being honest and tying to attract only those people who don’t like the same things, but in actuality you are giving off a negative vibe and might scare away people who’ll otherwise be that perfect partner for that above mentioned sex tape. It’s much better to say “I enjoy quiet movie nights at home” rather than “I hate crowds and think clubbing is stupid.”                                                   


    7. When actually striking up a conversation, what works best is to ask questions about emotions and not dry facts. Instead of asking “what do you do for work?” ask “what do you enjoy most about your work?” this gives the person an option to share something and continue the conversation.

  2. It is also been shown that if you ask a lot of questions about the other person, make them feel important and don’t share much about yourself unless asked - you will be perceived as much more charismatic, much more attentive and much more attractive.

  3. 8. Another point is that mystery is an important part of the beginning of a relationship. You want your messages to make them excited to meet you. Built anticipation.

    Enjoy it! if it gets frustrating, take a break.

Laura Patrick
« Laura is a freelance writer visual artist and science nerd. She is passionate about self development and personal growth and spends most of her free time reading scientific papers about the human experience and summarising them so that you won't have to. » All posts →