I HATE YOU - LET'S FUCK
The older I get the more I have to question my relationship with sex. The thing is, I like all kinds of sex. But I really like it when we've had a fight, or when it is just wildly inappropriate. I can't help it. Being bad turns me on. I'm not even talking about all that kinky S&M stuff, it's more that I like to hotly inconvenience people.
Morning sex, for example, is great. It's even better when you need to leave for work in 5 minutes and I'm pinning you down. Making you late and knowing how hard it will be for you to concentrate once you get there really gets me going first thing. You arriving, with hair sweat spiked from hands that I intentionally raked through it. Knowing the smell of my body lingers on you in that 9 am meeting will delight me all day. I'll likely do the same thing when you're about to go meet your mother. I love the fact that whilst giving you unbelievable pleasure, I also ruined your day just a little bit.
I have a real penchant for make-up sex too, only I don't really think of it so much as make-up sex. It's more of a chance to act out frustrations physically, pushing against the possibility that sex can ever be hard enough. You know what I mean. You've seen it in films, the fiery we've-been-building-up-the sexual-tension for at least half an hour and now it's time to see bodies slamming against tables and ornaments smashing on floors. Think Halle Berry in Diamonds Are Forever, or Angelina Jolie in almost anything. Spy sex. Action hero sex. We're too tough to be vanilla and you're not sure if we're fighting or fucking.
To perfect this scene, I like to switch up the location for a stronger dose of you really shouldn't. Sure, we could go up to your room, that would be OK, I guess. Or, we could fuck right here in the stairwell. You bending me over the bannister. Both of us watching to see if the lights go on in the hallway to find out if the impersonal, yet amicable, relationship you have with your neighbours is about to change forever.
For whatever reason, knowing that you don't really like me right now, and I'm not so keen on you either, makes me want it more. Despite the fact you really want to be in a strop with me, you find yourself powerless to resist my whims, and that's just so inviting. You know how hungry it's supposed to make people when you play hard-to-get and don't respond to their calls? Imagine how hot it can be once you make them hate you.
Another thing I'm no good at is the whole don't ask don't tell rule of open relationships. I want to know about what you've been doing and I want to tell you all about who I've been doing too. Showing off? Probably, but the fact I'm not supposed to be talking about it makes it irresistible. It's not enough to stop there, I'm a sharer. My favourite pastime is coming home to you after fucking somebody else. I get back into bed without showering, and tell you all about it while you take me and ask, what happened next? Couples are supposed to come home and talk about their day, right?
I think there are many cruel pleasures available to everybody, inside, outside and somewhere in between a relationship. Take ghosting, that's a wonder that will truly make people hate you and you don't have to miss out on it if you're not dating. You can also enjoy this experience in your relationship by taking an unannounced break and simply ignoring your partner. When you do break the silence though, make sure they know it's just for sex.
© Katsushika Hokusai
You may be thinking I'm a bit depraved and you're probably right. I can't say I don't enjoy that too. But the fact is, it reassures me that there's something animalistic and instinctual that we can come back to as an expression of ourselves, even when times are hard. I also think there's a lot of space for atmosphere in sex: the sense of being somewhere you shouldn't, doing something you shouldn't, the ongoing narrative of sex spilling from one encounter to the next. It thrills and comforts me.
Against all odds, there's always fucking.