How to be bisexual in a heterosexual relationship?

November 7, 2017 3 min read

"Bisexuality is just a phase". One of the most listened arguments a bisexual person has to face. Bisexuality seems to be a taboo even these days. People prefer to say that they just had a crazy night or that they are "hetero-flexible".
A study shows that bisexual women just exist because of the objectification that heterosexual men do about them. It's often said that bisexual men are just gay men who haven't had the courage to "come out of the closet". But being bisexual does not depend on stages of your life in which you feel totally lesbian or gay or totally heterosexual. It about being plurisexual, being able to feel attraction to a man or a woman in every day of your life.

The problem seems to become harder to understand when a bi-person has a relationship. If a bi-woman has a relationship with a man, people would say that "at this moment" she is heterosexual; on the other hand, if she has a relationship with another woman, they would say that "now", she is a lesbian.
We are seen as traitors, as unfaithful because we are seen in two states, we are weirdos. So the question here is: Is it possible to be bisexual in a heterosexual relationship?

Let me tell you about my personal story. I am a bisexual woman who has an opened long-term relationship with a man. He knows I am bisexual, he knows I have been with men and with women. But he is heterosexual. And he is absolutely not into men. One of the things I like the most about our relationship is the ability we have to talk about any topic with total freedom. And after a long, long time discovering ourselves, these are things we have both learnt:

Don't try to pressure
If you have agreements in your relationship about pluri-sexual meetings including you both, don't try to pressure your partner to feel attracted to a gender he doesn't. You can talk about it, you can try to make him think about bisexuality, but never force him to do something he doesn't like. "Respect uber alles".

Talk. Talk. Talk.
Sex is absolutely great. It's a moment of scape, of feeling. But, even if sex is a really important part of a relationship, talking is more important. You need to talk to your partner. Sometimes he/she/they may feel insecure about you being bisexual. Maybe he/she/they thinks that that friend of yours of the same gender is more than a friend. Jealousy is never justified but when getting into something you can't really understand because you are hetero, your mind can play a dirty trick on you. Talk. Talk about your relationship, about your likes, about what you need. Be sensitive, clear, be sincere.

Discover together
Maybe your partner has never thought about bisexuality. Maybe he/she/they thinks that it's just a way to not be called gay, or it's another sexual fantasy. As said before, always without pressuring, enjoy discovering your sexuality. Watching films, experimenting with sex toys... Feel free to open a bottle of wine and get swept up in passion. Stop thinking. Just try to find what makes you feel pleasure, what turns you on. Attraction is not about genders or about sexual organs, it's on the mind. Relax and feel. Things don't always have to be labelled. Just enjoy.

After all, the important thing in a relationship is that you enjoy it. Have fun! You now have a partner that feels attracted to the same gender as you do. Enjoy films, enjoy talks with your lover about sex, about people. Discover threesomes. Let yourself go. Sex is fun, sexuality is fun and relationships have to be fun too. Laugh, have sex, live new experiences. Deny labels, deny prejudices, just feel, fuck and enjoy.

Maria VG
« Maria VG is a journalist, writer, photographer, videographer and above all feminist. She runs FridaSinRivera where she draws, writes and transforms powerful designs into clothes. 'A minute of silence for all the clitoris that have been forgotten.' » All posts →