How To Ask For New Things In Bed?

May 25, 2017 4 min read

Asking for new things in bed can be a tricky issue, even with loving partners you feel completely comfortable with. The topic of sex can be hard to talk about because it's often surrounded by stigma and shame. A lot of people are either insecure about their abilities or feel too scared to share deep desires or fantasies, or sometimes just don't have the courage to open up this topic for discussion because they're afraid to cause issues in the relationship or make their partner feel like they're not doing a good job. I personally feel that most people can benefit greatly from exploring their sexual boundaries and desires. Not just because it can make you stronger as a couple, but you will also get to know yourselves and your partners better in the process.

The best way to approach opening up your sexual repertoire, especially if your partner is less experienced and more vanilla than you, is to start by telling them what you love about what they're already doing and give them praise. If someone is insecure and isn't sure you're loving what they're already doing, it'll be a lot harder for them to start trying new things they have no experience with. It's important to lay a solid base for comfort and good feedback in order to open room for exploration and new experiences that are outside their comfort zone.
When you make your partner feel safe and assure them you love what they're doing to you and their technique, they'll be a lot more willing to try new things because they'll know that if something isn't working, they can always fall back on that thing that drives you crazy they already mastered.

Don't go all in too fast.
If your biggest fantasy is really hardcore, this can be off-putting to someone who's not used to the kink world and your attempts might backfire. Starting small is the right way to go. Especially if you are more experienced than your partner, your experience can be intimidating and can make your partner feel insecure. Increasing the intensity gradually is key when trying to be more explorative in sex.

Remember how scary sex was as a teenager? Some people still feel this way as adults towards anything they haven't tried. Hence, if you want to be rough and go harder, starting with gentle bites, light choking, pinning your partner down using bodyweight (instead of rope or cuffs) are all good ways to go about exploring this side in a safe way. Make sure to ask for feedback as you go and keep introducing new things gradually. "Did you like this?" "Is this too much?" "Is this ok?". Checking in is important. 

When I try new things, I make sure my questions are 'yes or no' questions and my partner can just nod their heads to and stay 'in the moment'. I also listen to the noises they make and breathing patterns for non-verbal cues on what they're enjoying.

If you're too awkward about actually saying you want them to tie you up and spank you, for example, a good way to open up a conversation about this is to watch porn together and say: "This is something I've been curious about for a while, what do you think about this? Ever wanted to try this? We can start slow and build it up."

© W. Eugene Smith

If you want to introduce toys, or any other type of kink-gear, the best way to approach this (in my opinion) is to take them to a shop and ask them what turns them on and what they're curious about. Walk around, tell them how hot you think they'll look in something you're interested in trying. This way you can both pick your toys together, you can test the strength of any vibration, feel the material, look at your partner's face and check which things catch their eyes most often. 

If you simply buy something and bring it home, they might feel pressured to using it even if it's not their thing, rather than finding something together that's exciting for both of you as a starting point to going further.

If you have a complete scenario planned out in your head, but your partner doesn't have the right coloured blindfold, don't send him to the store. Don't nitpick. Make do with what you have and build towards the perfect fantasy over time.

And most importantly: Don't act entitled. Remember that you're asking for something. Your partner can say no, can be scared, can be not into it - sex needs to be enjoyable for both partners and just the act of stating you want something done doesn't mean it'll come without questions. Sometimes you have to build up to it or just simply accept your desire is behind your partner's boundaries.

Laura Patrick
« Laura is a freelance writer visual artist and science nerd. She is passionate about self development and personal growth and spends most of her free time reading scientific papers about the human experience and summarising them so that you won't have to. » All posts →