Dating as a Couple: Trial and Error

October 13 8 min read

Following my Beginners Guide To Dating As A Couple, I wanted to write something about how amazing and eye-opening fucking multiple partners with your own is. But it would be too easy right? Or way too expected.

My partner and I have been dating around together for more than a year now, and it has been a blast. Meeting like-minded people, discovering new kinks, having our first orgy… It has made us closer and our sex more incredible than ever. 

But… and there is always a but! Dating together has also had its fair share of obstacles, mistakes (a lot) and shit to sort out.

For us, these turbulent times happened with only one other couple, with whom we had both amazing and terrible experiences. Maybe it was the weird situation everyone was in (the beginning of the pandemic), or maybe because they had just moved to Berlin and were hungry for connections. Anyhow, the mix of both factors resulted in an explosive and intense three-month relationship.

We met Eve and Rob (names changed for privacy) last March on Feeld, and they greeted us first with, “you guys look good”. 

Eve and Rob, let’s call them the Gaps, had a twenty-year age difference, looked cute and nice, and we decided to meet them for drinks pretty quickly. 

First impressions - love at first sight! We got on, we talked and shared loads of stories about growing up, the swinging world, everything. We all seemed attracted to each other, and soon enough we went home together for some sexy times, which was pretty amazing. Still high on sex from the night, we knew we would meet them again.

And this is where things started to go awry. So, without further due, and in the form of chronological short stories, here are the trial and errors of dating as a couple:

The Push-Over

So we had now been dating the Gaps for over a month. Our second date went even better than the first - great sex, great chemistry. 

The third date comes, and of course, we all are expecting the same fireworks, if not better. But as the night goes on, Eve is starting to feel that tonight she is not in a sexual mood. We are all a bit bummed out - especially Rob who is trying to push her to be sexual. He proposes we watch porn to get her in the mood, and asks me to flash my boobs (which I did gladly) before turning off the lights to conjure an erotic atmosphere. 

At this point, Eve is quite vocal that she feels more like talking today and isn’t feeling it. Rob isn’t deterred from trying to kiss her, and seeing that (we thought) she was getting in the mood, my partner and I started to kiss too. Needless to say that after ten minutes, Eve stood to tell Rob she wanted to leave, prompting him to ask, “don’t you feel attracted to me?”  By this point, we had all realised tonight wasn’t the night and they left quite abruptly, leaving us puzzled by what had just happened.

We hadn’t interacted sexually with either of them but realised we had indirectly pushed Eve to get in the mood.

Lesson learnt: even if one partner pushes the other, as the other couple, you should and have to stop this partner. We thought it was alright for Rob to push Eve, that maybe it was part of their game or whatever. But we were as responsible for the failure of communication and awareness here as Rob. 

The Condom Incident

Fourth date with the Gaps. Going into the date, I wasn’t feeling so sure about Rob anymore. Seeing more of his personality during the last date, I started to have a strong suspicion that he did not feel so confident (the “you don’t feel attracted to me anymore” comment) with this whole swinging thing. So I went to the date with a bit of apprehension.

Anyway, after a few drinks, we had all forgiven each other and talked about what went wrong the last time we met. We get naked quickly and the sex started great. I am a bit more distant with Rob, but as he looks happy watching Eve and me, I don’t really think he feels my apprehension.

We move to the bedroom. My partner and Eve get into missionary, while I straddle Rob in cowgirl, wanting to give him a bit more attention. But I am feeling that he is quite distracted and I see he is looking at Eve intensely. Suddenly he starts screaming that they aren’t using a condom (one of our first and main rules). They stand up, claim they hadn’t started fucking yet and had been about to get one. But Rob is convinced he saw it.

After minutes of arguing, the two finally admit it: “it was only one pump, we got carried away”.

The damage is done. Rob is upset and accuses my partner of being, basically, a piece of shit. Eve reminds him they’re both guilty and that she was the one who took his dick and whispered not to come inside her, which of course makes matters worse. Rob does eventually calm down and, after talking it out and a group hug, we decide to continue. 

The sex that follows feels broken in a way that couldn’t be repaired.

Lesson learnt: Own up to your mistakes straight away. The two should have admitted immediately that they weren't using a condom, and as we later learned, it wasn’t only one pump but rather five. Also, all get tested and decide if the incident was a complete deal-breaker or if you can get over it. As you’ll see later  - masochists that we are - we did get over it.

The Band-Aid

After a few weeks of silence from the Gaps, processing what had happened and deciding if we could regain each other’s trust or not, we agreed to meet again. But this time, we had an idea: why not invite a third couple to join us? We didn’t know it yet, but the third couple would serve as a band-aid -  not quite a resistant one though.

So that night we met, first the four of us. Everything seemed fine, residual tension still floated in the air, but nothing a drink or two couldn’t fix.

A few hours later, the Band-Aid couple arrives. We all hit it off, they are fun, outgoing and sexy. We think, finally, that’s what we were missing, more people!

We have fun, get naked, and start to fuck. Everything is going so well it’s too good to be true. 

My partner and I are mainly playing with the Band-Aid couple. By that point, I had completely lost my attraction for Rob, and that night he did start to notice. I started to see Rob getting jealous of Eve. He seems disgruntled that no-one is paying attention to him and distances himself from the group. But the thing is, when you fuck with six people, it’s easier to avoid someone. Which is why I think we continued fucking, and to be honest, it was pretty good.

Towards the end, exhausted from hours of sex, we’re all having a little time out, talking about everything and nothing, sharing life and sex stories. I leave to go pee and when I return the atmosphere has shifted. Rob is yelling that the Band-Aid couple had just come here to fuck his wife and that he felt disrespected the whole night. Even though he had claimed he was having fun.

Everybody is confused, especially the Band-Aids as they don’t know the Gaps so well; our history, his confidence issues and that I had been distant with him the whole night. At this point, Rob is screaming that we ignored and made fun of him, which sounds absurd to us as everybody was loving the night. Even Eve is confused and asks him: “Are you sure this is not happening only in your head?”

That’s the end. The End with a capital E. The Band-Aids, my partner and I leave, and that was the last time we ever saw the Gaps. 

The next day they quit our WhatsApp group and a few weeks later block us from every social platform and even delete their Feeld account. We feel like dating as a couple wasn’t maybe such a good idea for them at the end.

Lesson learnt: An external party or third couple won’t heal the existing wounds and trust issues you already have, but most likely bring them to the surface. Also, If any of the parties isn’t attracted to a couple or individual, you shouldn’t meet them and pretend - unless they are fine with it. It isn’t fun for anyone.

The Conclusion

This rollercoaster of adventures and emotions was completely worth it. My partner and I learnt more about ourselves, about each other, about dealing with other people together, about communication and about handling our feelings. We noticed what works best for us right now is not to meet people as regularly as we did with the Gaps. We wanted to be friends, and we wanted to fuck. But it didn’t work out.

As we are not poly, we find we prefer one-night-stands and short adventures with couples or singles, or keeping it strictly sexual. We would love to have a friends-with-benefits type relationship with a couple, but so far, it hasn’t worked for us. Either because we haven’t met the right people yet, or because we are not ready for it. For now, we just love to spend a magical night with awesome people we know we won’t likely see again. And actually, with this new mindset, I found that I actually enjoy our dates even more. There is less pressure and you give everything as there might not be a second time.

So, this is the end. More trials and errors will come for sure, along with many more exciting and overwhelmingly good times and again, a mistake is only a mistake if you make it twice. The lessons learnt are all the most worth it!

« Delfine is a voyeur/exhibitionist passionate about sex and its place in our world, human sexuality and behaviour. She likes to read and write about these topics, be naked and is half of a Lustery couple. » All posts →