The Christmas I was fourteen, my mom gave me and my sisters the best gift you can give to a bunch of teenage girls: A copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves. I was a budding feminist, an avid reader, and obviously super interested in sex, and so I spent days—months—years even, poring over that book and learning every detail. With chapters like "Lovemaking With a Woman" and "Masturbation," what wasn't there to love? The advice was real (and feminist!) and set me up for a lifetime of sexual happiness. (Note to all parents: If you want your children to grow into quality human beings with happy sex lives, get them this book!)
Of the many memorable passages and much-valued advice, one bit of Our Bodies, Ourselves's sage wisdom particularly stuck with me—the neat fact that, in lieu of (or perhaps in addition to!) a dildo, a (washed, please!) cucumber could do the trick. And oh yes, I soon discovered, it could.
Our Bodies, Ourselves is not the only one to have made this discovery. Using the earth's natural produce for sexy stimulation is a practice probably as old as humanity itself. And can you blame people? The phallic shape of crudités classics like the cucumber is all-too-suggestive. Plus it's a two-for-one deal, since after one handy dandy trip to the produce market you can have sex for breakfast and a salad for lunch.
Are you into it? Hey, you never know until you try. Here are some handy tips if you're eager to try some produce-style penetration. Also, check out Go Ask Alice's very helpful guide to incorporating food into your sex life.
1) Some produce works for this, some don't. You're looking for smooth, phallic produce that does not have rough edges. Cucumbers are good. Carrots or radishes could be good (maybe cutting off the pointy end...). Bananas are already the star of many a penis joke and sex ed condom demonstration, but would not suggest unpeeled. I would say cucumbers are probably the star here. Avoid sugary things like fruit, they can fuck with your vaginal ecosystem (yeast <3's sugar="" span="">
2) Wash the thing. Seriously, you don't want soil or pesticides. Peeling it can also be a good idea. Using a condom is also advisable.
And there you have it, folks! Your guide to joining the ranks of sexual produce history. Bon appetit!